Here’s a link to my friend Liz’s blog, in which she starts off discussing an essay by Cheryl Strayed, which then reminds her of stories I told her years ago when we were roommates in NYC, which then led to something of a rap battle between the two of us in her comments section (except we are bloggers and not rappers and we were not battling!). I know this description makes no sense, but Liz’s blog is great and our interaction was lotsa larfs. So go read it.

Here’s a Celiac-friendly/gluten-free shopping list I wish I could send back in time to the newly-diagnosed me.

I’ve been living without wheat, barley or rye since September, and while it doesn’t suck as much as one might think, it does involve great, wide expanses of suckiness. Said suckiness usually occurs in restaurants or in the homes of people who Just Don’t Get It. And hey - I was probably one of those Just Don’t Get It people at one time, myself. “Just scrape the good stuff off the crust, you can at least enjoy it that way.” (SPOILER ALERT: Um, no. No, we can’t enjoy it that way.)

Over the past couple of months, I’ve been sampling every gluten free product I can get my hands on, and I’m sure as a result of all this sampling - plus the fact I’m eating foods I can actually DIGEST - I’ve packed on a spare pound or two. Hopefully I’m at a place where I almost kinda sorta know what gluten free products I like, and now I can set to disciplining my diet within the new guidelines set forth by my wonky DNA.

This is a list of what I’m liking the most so far. These starchy treats make it a little less heartbreaking when I’m in the mood for a Krispy Kreme donut or a box of malted milk balls (I miss you guys, by the way). There’s still a hole in my heart that can only be filled by a jar of Ovaltine, but in the meantime, there’s plenty of Gluten Free deliciousness to keep me distracted. Such as:

1. Rice and Shine Hot Cereal by Arrowhead Farms. I won’t lie. I miss instant oatmeal. I know it’s better when you spend all day cranking out a pile of steel-cut oats in a crock pot and there are certainly bragging rights inherent in saying you seasoned it with real brown sugar and real fancypants expensive maple syrup…yeah, I get it. But there was something about the chemically sweetened, absolutely-nothing-natural deliciousness of a packet of Quaker Instant Maple & Brown Sugar Oatmeal. And if it came with bonus gummy worms or some kind of neon pink dusting sugar, then all the better. But we grow up. Or at least, we get medical conditions that make us grow up (just a little). Giving up my trashy breakfast stand-by wasn’t easy (and don’t even get me started about saying goodbye to Cream of Wheat), but thankfully for me, along came Rice and Shine. This stuff is the best of both worlds. It’s as easy to prepare as a box of Co-Co Wheats and the texture is just as delightful as any of the hot cereals I’ve lamented in this little rant, but the taste is purely DIY. I’ve been adding obscene amounts of organic brown sugar and ground ginger to my oat(less)meal concoctions, and when I’m feeling extra spicey, I’ll add a generous dash of ground cloves. The result is delicious, and I’ll tellyawhut - with the ginger and cloves added, it’s a breakfast that wakes me right up. Breaking up with Quaker Oats isn’t quite so sad.

Note: Oats aren’t necessarily a big no-no to those living with Celiac Disease or those who adhere to a gluten-free diet, although a quick Google search will expose a healthy controversy in the “community” as to whether or not oats are dangerous to those with gluten sensitivities. Some think oats are the devil, while others think oats are okay as long as they’re not processed in a facility that also processes wheat. Personally, I don’t completely eschew oats, but I do proceed with caution. If I can substitute them with something I like just as much (like Rice and Shine), then all the better. But that’s just me.

2. Honey Nut Rice Chex.  Thank you, thank you, thank you, Chex Cereals, for not only giving me a VARIETY of cold cereal options I can safely enjoy, and not only for giving me a completely suitable substitute for the Honey Nut Cheerios that used to be a welcome part of my workaday morning routine, but FOR PRODUCING A GLUTEN FREE FOOD ITEM THAT NORMAL FOLKS CAN ACTUALLY AFFORD. It’s rare - disgustingly, annoyingly, heart-achingly rare - that you can find a trustworthy GF food item for under five or six bucks. Gluten Free is quite the racket right now, apparently. But Chex cereals, which have apparently been gluten free for a long time (if not always), are sayin’ it loud and proud on the front of the box, and they’re not taking advantage of Gluten-Free-Mania by jacking up the price. So this holiday season, when you drop by my house, expect to snack on LOTS of puppy chow.

A BIG YAY TO GENERAL MILLS FOODS in, um, GENERAL for being the first big mainstream-y “normal”-ish company to offer an affordable and easier-to-find line of gluten-free products based on their “regular” offerings, such as cookie and cake mixes and - bless their hearts - Gluten Free Bisquick. I’ve tried all this stuff and it’s great. Gluten Free Bisquick makes some seriously delicious pancakes, and I’m utterly in favor of their GF chocolate chip cookie mix, even if the end result is a little more delicate than the gluten-packed equivalent (all the better, I say). Hopefully other companies will follow the example of General Mills.

3. Brown Rice Penne Pasta. So far, the gluten-free spaghettis I’ve tried to prepare kinda suck. But GF penne pasta for some reason seems to come through every time. Hey, I’ll take what I can get. I made an absolutely delicious penne pesto recently that was every bit as good as the regular stuff, if not a little bit more sturdy (without being chewy or cardboard-y). Prep isn’t much different than regular pasta - just don’t be lazy about draining it, and don’t you dare add the pasta to water a moment before it starts to boil, and you’re good to go. OF COURSE, this stuff is going to be more expensive than “regular” pasta - if you’re living the Celiac life like me, you can kiss $1 boxes of Creamettes buh-bye - but if you have a nearby healthy hippy co-op, you might be able to find some gluten-free pasta in bulk for at least a modestly insane price per pound. If you’re gonna pay the big bucks for your home cooking, might as well not be paying for packaging, right?

4. Rice is Naturally Gluten Free, So There.  I love rice. I always have. I love a good stir-fry, I love getting Chinese takeout sauteed eggplant and I always order an extra container of rice because that’s part of the treat for me, I love curries partially for the smell of fresh-cooked basmati rice, and sometimes when I don’t really want a meal but I want something warm and comforting, a bowl of plain white rice with black pepper and a tiny dollop of sweet and sour sauce is the perfect snack for me. This has always been my way, and thankfully, being diagnosed with Celiac Disease did not put the kibbosh on my long grain love affair. If anything, I’ve become better friends with my rice cooker, and I’ve learned I can make whole meals in my little 9.99 Target appliance, with precious little prep or clean up required. One highly experimental night I made an entire bibimbop dish - one of my favorite meals ever - completely in the rice cooker. So many possibilities, and absolutely no need for any kind of glutenous ingredients. But what about soy sauce, you ask?

5. Bragg’s Liquid Aminos. I don’t know why the world hasn’t given up plain ol’ restaurant soy sauce and replaced it completely with Bragg’s. What isn’t to love? It tastes EXACTLY like soy sauce. EXACTLY. It’s healthy for you - it contains 16 essential and non-essential amino acids. And yep, unlike most regular soy sauces, Bragg’s is 100% gluten free. And it’s affordable! Yeah, okay, it’s maybe a couple bucks pricier than “regular” soy sauce, but you’re paying for a pretty big bottle (or an even bigger pretty big bottle if you wanna go the economy size route) and you’re doing your body a favor while not compromising one little bit on flavor. In my house, we’ve been using Bragg’s since well before I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease. It’s just kind of a no-brainer product to keep handy in the kitchen, as far as I’m concerned.

6. Chebe Bread Mix. Oh, this stuff is good. It’s probably not the easiest thing to find on the shelves at your local grocery store, so if you’re a gluten-free person and you can’t find it, shamelessly harass your local grocery managers until they agree to carry it. Why? Because this is a gluten free dinner roll mix that is actually EASY TO PREPARE. And as all of us know, gluten free baking tends to be…let’s face it…kind of a pain in the ass. But not with Chebe! All you have to do is add a couple of common ingredients and your choice of cheese, roll ‘em up into balls and throw ‘em in the oven. Et voila - hot, cheesy, yummy bready treats! I’m nuts about Chebe Bread Mix because it’s so easy to prepare and it lends itself well to experiments. Don’t settle for the recommended parmesan cheese in their recipe. Try ricotta! Try whatever grated cheese you like! Try not-cheese! Go nuts! If you screw it up, this mix will only set you back about three bucks and some change, so risk away! I haven’t been disappointed yet.

There are many other gluten-free treasures I could list that are more available to me than they would be to any poor soul in Whereverthehell, North Dakota - for example, I am in deep appreciation of Minnesota’s Pizza Luce and their gluten free menu, and I’m the luckiest boy in Puppetland to have a partner who has taken an interest in exploring gluten-free cooking and baking (his banana bread is freakishly good, people). But for those of you without access to Luce or my BF, the list above should certainly get you through. Good luck and happy sampling.

blu-bl-blog…huh…i got a WHAT?

OH!

Right. A blog. Me. I gotz one. This thing here.

And I guess I haven’t posted in a few forevers. Uh, oopsies.

So, okay. I’ll come clean. I didn’t forget about It’s Tragically Delicious. It’s more like, I’ve had no idea what this blog is supposed to be about, and the one thing I think it COULD be about is something that I’ve been very reluctant to blog about.

Are you with me? Me either.

If you’ve read the past few posts, you know my quandary. Boy starts blog about baking and music. Boy gets sick. Boy discovers he has Celiac Disease, which means wheat/barley/rye are poisonous to him. Boy isn’t quite sure how to maintain a blog about something that’s been slowly killing him all his life.

Boy considers turning this into a gluten-free cooking/baking blog. Boy doesn’t really want to be a Celiac Poster Boy. Boy kinda becomes Celiac Poster Boy in real life anyway, so boy starts to think “what the hell”.

So I dunno. Maybe I will make the leap from blogging about cupcakes to blogging about the virtues of brown rice flour and Udi bread. It beats what I’ve been blogging about over the past few weeks, which has been, um, uh…NOTHING. A VOID. A VACUUM.

My only concern is that I don’t want to end up with an uber-specialized site that only appeals to a small section of people. I’m all for connecting with other folks with Celiac Disease, and I’m happy to provide helpful info to the newly diagnosed, but I’d really like just-plain-folks to check in to my messy little corner of the intertubes as well.

Which is why you’ll notice I will blog a lot about music as well. And films. And various geeky thisses and thats. And other random rants.

In short, this is a blog by a guy who just so happens to have Celiac Disease and who really enjoys preparing food. I also really enjoy other things, which I hope to share on here, and which I hope appeals to a decent cross-section of people who happen to read these things.

I have a lot to say about my life since that fateful trip to the gastroenterologist, and if you’re not of the gluten-sensitive persuasion, I invite you to read about my experiences anyway. It’s an interesting ride, and I promise to use colorful language.

And for those of you who stumbled across this blog because of the Celiac/GF content, stick around for the music talk. You might discover your next favorite album or band on this blog…and everything I listen to is 100% gluten free, I promise.

So there’s that.

Stick around. I promise to try to offer a little something for everyone here.

New Blonde Redhead: “Not Getting There”

Glamourpuss: Florence + the Machine at the VMAs

Trix (definitely) and Cocoa Puffs (supposedly, though a Google search says “be careful”) are both gluten-free! This makes Celiac Boy very happy, since he’s always been a bit of a cereal fiend and has faced a dwindling variety of options since recently learning he has a gluten allergy. I’m going to miss my beloved Honey Nut Cheerios, Kix, and (especially) my occasional Honeycombs indulgences, but it’s good to know there are at least two deliciously sugarrific cereals out there that could pass the safe test, so my future won’t be ALL twigs and craisins.

I also learned that most of the Chex line of cereals are gluten free, which is great (hey, I can still make puppy chow at Christmas!), but sometimes a guy needs a bowl of something that comes with a free toy surprise.

PLUS, as I was perusing the list of ingredients, I noticed Trix has gone an extra mile in the direction of goodness by replacing high fructose corn syrup with good old fashioned tooth-rotting sugar. Love that!

In other developing news, I recently noticed that Bisquik is coming out with a gluten-free baking mix and Betty Crocker is even pricking up her withered old Yoda ears in the direction of gluten-free products.

Alice in Wonderland, circa 1903.

So here’s one you may not have heard before:

I got a call from my doctor this week. Guess what she told me, guess what she told me?

She said, “boy you better have fun no matter whatcha do (as long as it doesn’t involve wheat, barley or rye, cuz you got yerself some Celiac Disease).”

And she’s no fool.

MORAL: Nothing compares 2 a gluten allergy - something of which, according to my doctor, I am the proud recipient.

I gotta tellya, I didn’t see that one coming.

My first (and still my most prevalent) response to this news was, “well, it’s not the worst news in the world. It’s Celiac Disease. It’s not cancer. It’s not Ebola. It’s not Captain Trips.”

And really, yeah, that’s exactly how I feel about my gluten-free life sentence. It ain’t great, but it could be so much worse. I’m not doomed to a life of injections (I loathe needles) or batteries of gruesome medical tests for the rest of my days.

So I can’t eat wheat, barley or rye. I can still make my spicy curries and veggie stir-fry dishes. I can still eat all the rice I like, I can still drink coffee, I can still make stuff with tofu. What’s the big deal?

And then, of course, I thought, “oh, wait. I like to bake. A lot.”

And baking = flour = wheat.

Well, crap.

NOT that I can’t still bake or concoct new and ridiculous cupcake creations. It’s just that if I wanna eat them, they’re going to have to be gluten free pastries. I hope I’m not so gluten sensitive that I can’t even bake “normal” treats for other people. THAT would be a bit of a heartbreak. In the meantime, it really doesn’t bother me that in the future I may be baking treats that I can’t sample myself. Weirdly, I don’t eat a lot of my baking. I’ll sample some batter and frosting as I bake, then I’ll have a test cupcake to be sure I’m not poisoning the world…and that’s usually it. And sheesh, Roger Ebert is writing an entire cookbook and he isn’t able to eat ANYTHING. Considering that, I can certainly bake a pan of verboten-to-me cuppies now and again.

I’m also thinking about what my recent diagnosis means to this blog, the title of which has suddenly attained a new level of irony.

The original “concept” of It’s Tragically Delicious was meant to serve a double dish of food and music, with a tip of the cutting board to healthy/vegetarian/vegan fare. I’m still interested in all that, but as I eat my way down the gluten-free rabbit food hole, my new diet will most likely be reflected in my baking and in my food writing.

So I dunno. There’s that. I don’t INTEND on making this a “gluten-free poster boy” blog, cuz I’d like to cast a little wider net in terms of readership. But Celiac Disease-y people gotta eat - and read - and write - too, ya know. So hopefully as this blog continues, folks with the same condition as me will at least get a feeling that I got their backs, even as I’m posting recipes for intestine-deadly cupcake recipes for the rest of the folks who read ITD.

I have a lot more to say about my so-called gluten-free life, but I think that’s all my fingers will tolerate today. Thanks for reading, folks.